After our loss a few weeks ago, my mom and I were talking about how important it was for me to keep busy until we are given the go-ahead to try for another baby. So I got to thinking and making lists (I KNOW! Me, make lists?! I'm shocked too, I NEVER make lists) about some big and small things I want to get accomplished in the next 6-12 months. And what better way to be held accountable than to publish them on internet, right?
1. Make freezer meals
-When I was SOOOO sick this last pregnancy, I lamented the fact that I planned on making a few weeks' worth of dinners in the freezer for when the baby came - but that I didn't make any freezer dinners for when I had 24 hour a day morning sickness. So when we start trying again, I will start loading up our freezer with pre-made meals for days I feel icky.
2. Start a music and art group for toddlers?
- I'm considering starting up a group for toddlers once a week for a half hour or so with fun music and maybe some simple art/creativity projects. I'm always looking for fun ways to help socialize Cole, but we're not quite ready to put him in preschool yet.
3. Pack for moving
- HOPEFULLY, we will be buying a house soon and moving. HOPEFULLY. So packing and unpacking and organizing our new home will be an awesome way to keep me busy!
4. Photography porfolio put together
- This one I may be most excited about. I'm not sure if my photography skills are good enough to start charging for photos, but I won't know until I do more of it and build up my portfolio. So this winter I'm planning on doing some family, maternity, newborn, and child photography - so if you live in Southern Oregon and want some pictures, email me!
5. Write a book
- I love to write. Not sure if I have the time to write a book right now, but it could be fun - and definitely would keep me busy and occupied!
6. Etsy shop
- This has been on my want-to-try list for over a year now. I have so many baby sewing projects and crafts that I love to make, I'm wondering if perhaps I could sell some for a bit of extra money.
7. Start a book club
- A MUST. I was in a book club before we moved and it was SO much fun!
8. Make a card table fort for Cole
- Also been on the to-do list for a while. I don't think it will take too long to make, it's just been me putting it off. Cole's favorite hidey-hole spot is under our dining room table - what kid doesn't like a fort, right?
So there we have it. Lots of projects to keep me busy. I can't wait to get started!
Friday, August 31, 2012
Thursday, August 30, 2012
YISH ROCK
Cole never fails to crack me up. Seriously, this kid is so random and hysterical. The other day we got out of the car and I was trying to herd him into the house (why does EVERYTHING take a million times longer with a toddler?) and Cole spied this large rock next to our driveway.
He declares to me, "YISH! ROCK!" (sit). And proceeds to sit on the rock in the cheesiest, most old man pose ever.
And he just sat, looking around peacefully while my mom and I laughed at his adorableness.
And then he belched loudly, thus completing the old man image.
Oh this child of mine. What a boy.
He declares to me, "YISH! ROCK!" (sit). And proceeds to sit on the rock in the cheesiest, most old man pose ever.
And then he belched loudly, thus completing the old man image.
Oh this child of mine. What a boy.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
10 Things That Brought Me Joy
Ten things that brought me joy this past week:
1. Planning for a very exciting first birthday photo shoot for Cole's BFF Declan! I went a couple of weeks without picking up my camera and have realized how much I miss it - so I'm super thrilled to be behind the lens again.
2. Watching Cole play hard and love hard on his Gram:
3. Chocolate covered almonds from Costco that my hubby brought me. Yum.
4. SO MANY loving emails, texts, messages, flowers, etc from friends and family expressing thoughts and prayers from our loss. Truly, it eases the pain having it acknowledged in so many ways.
5. Finding the PERFECT dress for my cousin's wedding in a couple of weeks. Love it when that happens!
6. It's been two weeks since I've thrown up. Having spent nearly three months throwing up constantly and feeling nautious even more frequently, this is momentous.
7. Gram babysitting Cole so Chris and I could have a real, live date. "The Dark Knight Rises" and dinner out was amazing!
8. My boy...oh, he makes me so happy!
9. Getting ready for our big cross-country trip next week - nothing like planning a trip to keep one's mind busy!
10. Knowing that even though it's going be farther in the future than we wanted, Chris is going to be just as awesome a daddy with our second child as he is with Cole.
1. Planning for a very exciting first birthday photo shoot for Cole's BFF Declan! I went a couple of weeks without picking up my camera and have realized how much I miss it - so I'm super thrilled to be behind the lens again.
2. Watching Cole play hard and love hard on his Gram:
3. Chocolate covered almonds from Costco that my hubby brought me. Yum.
4. SO MANY loving emails, texts, messages, flowers, etc from friends and family expressing thoughts and prayers from our loss. Truly, it eases the pain having it acknowledged in so many ways.
5. Finding the PERFECT dress for my cousin's wedding in a couple of weeks. Love it when that happens!
6. It's been two weeks since I've thrown up. Having spent nearly three months throwing up constantly and feeling nautious even more frequently, this is momentous.
7. Gram babysitting Cole so Chris and I could have a real, live date. "The Dark Knight Rises" and dinner out was amazing!
8. My boy...oh, he makes me so happy!
Monday, August 27, 2012
Life goes on
Life goes on.
The most comforting thing about this last week is the normalcy. No matter how sad I am, how much I want to curl up in bed and sleep, sleep, sleep - life goes on.
Cole still needs his mama. He still makes me laugh, gives me kisses, and throws tantrums. We do our errands, our grocery shopping, go to the park and the splash pad. I read him stories and put him down for his naps.
I cook dinner, make Chris his lunch, make the bed. My life is the same as it was before our loss.
It's a little bit of an oxymoron. Inside, I feel so changed - as though even the colors I see should be slightly muted because of my grief. But it's already getting better and I'm already healing.
The most comforting thing about this last week is the normalcy. No matter how sad I am, how much I want to curl up in bed and sleep, sleep, sleep - life goes on.
Cole still needs his mama. He still makes me laugh, gives me kisses, and throws tantrums. We do our errands, our grocery shopping, go to the park and the splash pad. I read him stories and put him down for his naps.
I cook dinner, make Chris his lunch, make the bed. My life is the same as it was before our loss.
It's a little bit of an oxymoron. Inside, I feel so changed - as though even the colors I see should be slightly muted because of my grief. But it's already getting better and I'm already healing.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Plan of Action
I am a planner (shocking, I know, for all of you that have met me in real life).
I'm not super spontaneous or into surprises. I feel one hundred percent more confident when I walk into a familiar situation vs. an unfamiliar situation.
So, no surprise to you to hear that I've been thinking about a plan of action for the next 6-12 months.
Our doctor told us I need to have blood tests every two weeks from here on out. Once my Hcg levels reach zero (about 4-6 weeks) and stay there for a few tests in a row, we can count six months from that date to start trying for another baby as long as they stay at zero.
I know that if I simply move on, without some goals and plans and projects, it will be easier for me to slip inot the overwhelming grief and sadness of the past weeks. It will be easier to be frustrated and angry that we can't start trying for another baby for so long. I refuse to allow that to happen.
I am absolutely going to give myself and my family time to grieve, to mourn a death.
I will give myself all the time I/we need to think of our baby, to remember with joy and sadness the months we had him/her in our lives.
But I am not going to wallow. I know that if I keep busy, taking care of myself and my family, busy with projects, thinking of people other than myself and my loss, my grieving process will be easier.
Humans weren't meant to be alone - and that includes during times of a loss. Humans also weren't meant to be selfish - also during times of loss. I will lift myself up by lifting others up - and I expect to have even more joy and love in my life as a result, even in the midst of grief and sadness.
I'm not super spontaneous or into surprises. I feel one hundred percent more confident when I walk into a familiar situation vs. an unfamiliar situation.
So, no surprise to you to hear that I've been thinking about a plan of action for the next 6-12 months.
Our doctor told us I need to have blood tests every two weeks from here on out. Once my Hcg levels reach zero (about 4-6 weeks) and stay there for a few tests in a row, we can count six months from that date to start trying for another baby as long as they stay at zero.
I know that if I simply move on, without some goals and plans and projects, it will be easier for me to slip inot the overwhelming grief and sadness of the past weeks. It will be easier to be frustrated and angry that we can't start trying for another baby for so long. I refuse to allow that to happen.
I am absolutely going to give myself and my family time to grieve, to mourn a death.
I will give myself all the time I/we need to think of our baby, to remember with joy and sadness the months we had him/her in our lives.
But I am not going to wallow. I know that if I keep busy, taking care of myself and my family, busy with projects, thinking of people other than myself and my loss, my grieving process will be easier.
Humans weren't meant to be alone - and that includes during times of a loss. Humans also weren't meant to be selfish - also during times of loss. I will lift myself up by lifting others up - and I expect to have even more joy and love in my life as a result, even in the midst of grief and sadness.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Silver Lining
Even with all the heartbreak and the painful D & C surgery, Chris and I are reminded that it could have been so much worse in so many ways.
-If we hadn't requested an ultrasound, we most likely wouldn't have had one done until my 21 week mark (after a cross-country trip during my 20 week mark). I don't even want to think about how much more painful seeing that lack of heartbeat on the sonogram would have been six weeks from now.
- We are so glad the doctor decided to do a D & C. He mentioned to us that it was a possibility at 15 weeks to induce labor with Picodin and deliver the baby that way. It would have been lengthy, sad, and painful - emotionally, a D & C was much less hurtful.
-Amazing family and friends. We have had dinners generously delivered to our door so I don't have to cook. My mom drove all the way up at the last minute to help. My in-laws and hubby have gracious and kind regarding us having to cancel our planned vacation to Yosemite this week. I am so, so grateful for so many loving, kind, unselfish people in our lives right now.
- Our little man. Oh, how this darling of mine has been an amazing and sensitive distraction so I don't wallow in sadness. He keeps me busy, but not so busy that he doesn't have time for his frequent (and more so now that he is sensing my sadness) huge hugs and wet smooches. I've said it before - Cole is truly an old soul, with an intuition and sensitivity that is older than his years. I'm so overwhelmingly proud of him.
-When the doctor first told me it was possibly a partial molar pregnancy, Chris and I went home and researched what it meant. Most websites said not to try for another baby for 6-12 months - I am so grateful that our doctor told us around the 9 month mark instead of a year. I truly feel like most of my healing will be when we get pregnant again, so the sooner the better.
And on top of all that silver lining, we are constantly reminded that even in the midst of our sadness, there are others out there who have it so much worse and still manage to be inspiring and selfless people.
-If we hadn't requested an ultrasound, we most likely wouldn't have had one done until my 21 week mark (after a cross-country trip during my 20 week mark). I don't even want to think about how much more painful seeing that lack of heartbeat on the sonogram would have been six weeks from now.
- We are so glad the doctor decided to do a D & C. He mentioned to us that it was a possibility at 15 weeks to induce labor with Picodin and deliver the baby that way. It would have been lengthy, sad, and painful - emotionally, a D & C was much less hurtful.
-Amazing family and friends. We have had dinners generously delivered to our door so I don't have to cook. My mom drove all the way up at the last minute to help. My in-laws and hubby have gracious and kind regarding us having to cancel our planned vacation to Yosemite this week. I am so, so grateful for so many loving, kind, unselfish people in our lives right now.
- Our little man. Oh, how this darling of mine has been an amazing and sensitive distraction so I don't wallow in sadness. He keeps me busy, but not so busy that he doesn't have time for his frequent (and more so now that he is sensing my sadness) huge hugs and wet smooches. I've said it before - Cole is truly an old soul, with an intuition and sensitivity that is older than his years. I'm so overwhelmingly proud of him.
-When the doctor first told me it was possibly a partial molar pregnancy, Chris and I went home and researched what it meant. Most websites said not to try for another baby for 6-12 months - I am so grateful that our doctor told us around the 9 month mark instead of a year. I truly feel like most of my healing will be when we get pregnant again, so the sooner the better.
And on top of all that silver lining, we are constantly reminded that even in the midst of our sadness, there are others out there who have it so much worse and still manage to be inspiring and selfless people.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Dear Baby 2
I wrote this letter the day we found out we were expecting Baby #2. Even though it makes me cry so hard to read it now, I wanted to publish it anyway, as a reminder of how much love and excitement we had for our little baby. I don't want it to be as though this little one was never a part of our lives - and here's the very first proof just how a part of our lives he/she was in a short time.
June 4, 2012
Dear Baby 2,
O my dear child, your daddy and I were THRILLED today to discover we are expecting you! Words just can't express how excited we are to meet you!
We've planned and waited for this day for months. There have been a few months of disappointment, of crushed hopes...but all that flew out of my mind when I saw those two little lines on the pregnancy test!
I want you to know, little one, that we are just as excited for your arrival as we were for your big brothers'! Maybe even more so - because now we know just how much love and fun and excitement you will bring into our lives.
Your father and I always knew we were meant to be a family of four. We are so blessed that you are on your way to complete our family.
all our love,
Mama, Daddy, and Big Brother Cole
June 4, 2012
Dear Baby 2,
O my dear child, your daddy and I were THRILLED today to discover we are expecting you! Words just can't express how excited we are to meet you!
We've planned and waited for this day for months. There have been a few months of disappointment, of crushed hopes...but all that flew out of my mind when I saw those two little lines on the pregnancy test!
I want you to know, little one, that we are just as excited for your arrival as we were for your big brothers'! Maybe even more so - because now we know just how much love and fun and excitement you will bring into our lives.
Your father and I always knew we were meant to be a family of four. We are so blessed that you are on your way to complete our family.
all our love,
Mama, Daddy, and Big Brother Cole
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Explaining to Cole
I'm really big on being honest with Cole. I try to be honest about my feelings, about what's going on - I think it cuts down on stress when we have wide open communication. If I am upfront with him - "I'm feeling frustrated right now because Chloe peed on the floor again" - he knows exactly why I'm frustrated and knows it's not because of him.
So yesterday when Cole patted my belly and said "BABY!" and I started crying, I knew I had to talk to him about it.
But I was stumped on how to start the conversation.
How do you respectfully and age-apropriately explain to a two year old about a miscarriage? About surgery and a sad mama and no more baby, no more big brother?
I'm not sure if I handled it right. I gave Cole a big hug and looked him in the eyes and told him that the baby was very sick and went to live with God in heaven. There wasn't a baby in my tummy anymore, I told him. God was taking good care of our baby.
I know we'll have to have this conversation again several more times. What a confusing concept for a little guy to grasp, right?
Tell me, how do you explain loss to a little one?
So yesterday when Cole patted my belly and said "BABY!" and I started crying, I knew I had to talk to him about it.
But I was stumped on how to start the conversation.
How do you respectfully and age-apropriately explain to a two year old about a miscarriage? About surgery and a sad mama and no more baby, no more big brother?
I'm not sure if I handled it right. I gave Cole a big hug and looked him in the eyes and told him that the baby was very sick and went to live with God in heaven. There wasn't a baby in my tummy anymore, I told him. God was taking good care of our baby.
I know we'll have to have this conversation again several more times. What a confusing concept for a little guy to grasp, right?
Tell me, how do you explain loss to a little one?
Monday, August 13, 2012
anymore
You don't realize how often you think about something until it's not there.
I'm still surprised at how often during the day I think about our little baby.
"Better drink some more water, it's so important for the baby to stay hydrated."
"Don't lift that, it's too heavy when you're carrying the baby."
"I'm craving chocolate, but I better have some fruit instead because I'm eating for two."
"Maternity clothes...ugh! Good thing this little baby is worth it."
It's constantly during the day. It's a little bit like a whole new heartbreak every time I have one of those thoughts and then immediately remember that there is no baby any more.
I'm still surprised at how often during the day I think about our little baby.
"Better drink some more water, it's so important for the baby to stay hydrated."
"Don't lift that, it's too heavy when you're carrying the baby."
"I'm craving chocolate, but I better have some fruit instead because I'm eating for two."
"Maternity clothes...ugh! Good thing this little baby is worth it."
It's constantly during the day. It's a little bit like a whole new heartbreak every time I have one of those thoughts and then immediately remember that there is no baby any more.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Lived
I haven't been sleeping well since our news on Wednesday. I spend long hours thinking about the baby, picturing what he or she might have looked like, sounded like, what kind of little personality he or she might have had. I think I'm afraid that if I don't spend so much time thinking about the baby, it will be as if he/she never lived, was never a part of our lives.
I feel as though I need some sort of memorial, some momento or keepsake to mark this tiny little life, so I have some closure and some tangible memory. It wasn't all a dream.
I just...I need acknowledgement that this child LIVED. Not for long, not outside my body - but I heard the strong heartbeat and felt the tiny butterfly flutterings of a baby. Of OUR baby.
I need to see some proof somehow, of how incredibly loved our child was, if only for 15 weeks. How much joy and anticipation he/she brought to us all, our family and our friends.
I don't ever want to forget that, for a short period of time, we were an almost-family of four.
I feel as though I need some sort of memorial, some momento or keepsake to mark this tiny little life, so I have some closure and some tangible memory. It wasn't all a dream.
I just...I need acknowledgement that this child LIVED. Not for long, not outside my body - but I heard the strong heartbeat and felt the tiny butterfly flutterings of a baby. Of OUR baby.
I need to see some proof somehow, of how incredibly loved our child was, if only for 15 weeks. How much joy and anticipation he/she brought to us all, our family and our friends.
I don't ever want to forget that, for a short period of time, we were an almost-family of four.
Friday, August 10, 2012
On recovery and mama-love
Whew.
It's been a rough couple of days.
We are feeling better, though, after meeting with our doctor and getting some questions answered. The surgery was a little stressful and frightening, but everyone we came in contact with was so kind and thoughtful it made it easier.
Having so many loving, understanding, and thoughtful messages, texts, and calls from loved ones made it easier too.
Recovery so far has been uncomfortable but not too painful, much faster than recovery after childbirth.
Mentally and emotionally, however, it will be a longer road.
It's so strange this feeling of missing so painfully and so dearly this tiny little soul we never even met. I think about my love I have for Chris, for our family and friends - and the love I have for them all is for a REASON - a personality trait, a shared history, the bond of family.
But this mama-love I have for this baby wasn't based on anything other than how much I loved him/her for simply BEING, existing, being a part of Chris and me. It was a love born of how much joy and happiness he or she would have brought us in the future (like Big Bro Cole has already done).
It's an alien feeling for me, this emotion of incredible LOSS for a stranger. I guess more proof that no one can ever love more deeply and truly than a mama.
And even with all this sadness and pain, I wouldn't want it any other way.
It's been a rough couple of days.
We are feeling better, though, after meeting with our doctor and getting some questions answered. The surgery was a little stressful and frightening, but everyone we came in contact with was so kind and thoughtful it made it easier.
Having so many loving, understanding, and thoughtful messages, texts, and calls from loved ones made it easier too.
Recovery so far has been uncomfortable but not too painful, much faster than recovery after childbirth.
Mentally and emotionally, however, it will be a longer road.
It's so strange this feeling of missing so painfully and so dearly this tiny little soul we never even met. I think about my love I have for Chris, for our family and friends - and the love I have for them all is for a REASON - a personality trait, a shared history, the bond of family.
But this mama-love I have for this baby wasn't based on anything other than how much I loved him/her for simply BEING, existing, being a part of Chris and me. It was a love born of how much joy and happiness he or she would have brought us in the future (like Big Bro Cole has already done).
It's an alien feeling for me, this emotion of incredible LOSS for a stranger. I guess more proof that no one can ever love more deeply and truly than a mama.
And even with all this sadness and pain, I wouldn't want it any other way.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Loss and Grief
When I had my first appointment at the midwifery, we were given a sheet of paper with some questions to fill out - one of them was, "How do you deal with stressful situations in your life?"
My answer: I write. I blog, I take photos, I process events and emotions through my writing. So when we received some bad news this morning, I knew eventually I would end up here, at my blog, writing about it. Processing what happened.
I was thrilled to have my first ultrasound of this pregnancy that morning. I couldn't sleep all the night before, wondering if the tech would be able to tell the gender of our little baby. I was so excited to see our little butterball baby squirming around in there.
"Hmm..." said the tech, my first clue something wasn't quite right. "I think I'm going to have to do an internal ultrasound here."
And then, I saw her type something on the screen: "NO HR"
A few moments later, the tech took a deep breath and told me "I'm so sorry honey...the baby has no heartbeat."
Somehow, I knew it was coming. I remember so clearly with Cole's ultrasounds, the rushing heartbeat that made the whole chest of the baby move. I knew it wasn't there with this baby...but hearing the words leave her lips was heartbreaking. Those few seconds that I knew it was coming was not enough time to prepare myself for the enormity of the words I was about to hear.
I wanted to scream and cry and curl up into a little ball on the exam table. But I took a handful of tissues to dry the tears that were already cascading down my cheeks and tried to listen, tried to pay attention.
How do you stay focused when it feels as though your world is falling apart?
She left me alone for a few minutes so I could sob quietly in peace, then she brought in a doctor whose specialty was high-risk birth. She checked the ultrasound as well, just to make sure, but we both knew it was pointless.
I just remember thinking, how is this possible? What did I do wrong? How am I going to tell my husband, Cole, our families? We heard the heartbeat, we waited until second trimester - this wasn't supposed to happen! Who miscarries at 15 weeks pregnant?
Your first trimester of pregnancy, there's always that chance that something will go wrong. There's always that nagging feeling, the hesitation in the back of your mind that things won't go as hoped and planned. But at 15 weeks, we were in the clear. We were making plans and having hopes and dreams for this little baby.
It truly felt like being struck by lightning - so unexpected, so caught off guard.
I feel like a failure. I feel like my body has failed it's most important part - to protect my baby.
How could this happen to me, to us, to our deserving little family who loved this baby SO MUCH?
I kept thinking, this has to be a mistake. I did everything right, I did everything possible to keep my baby healthy.
The worst part? It's not just a simple miscarriage. I have what is called a Partial Molar Pregnancy. I have to go in for a D & C, then have blood tests weekly, bimonthly, and monthly for 6 months to a year to make sure all the tissue is gone and my hcg levels are back down to zero. If the tissue is not all removed, there's a slight chance it can turn into cancer.
Cancer.
The chances of that are incredibly low, of course. And if I did happen to end up with cancer, it's almost 100% treatable with chemotherapy. But because there is that risk, I can't just be done with a miscarriage and move on, trying to conceive again. We have to have regularly scheduled blood tests for so long, and we are possibly not allowed to try for another baby for six months to a year.
It's extra scary and frustrating and sad. I so want to move on and put this behind us, to start healing and thinking and planning - but I feel as though we have an empty spot in our family that we can't fill yet. And it's heartbreaking all over again.
At the same time, a part of me knows it could be so much worse. Our family - Cole, Chris, me - we will be fine. This is not the end of the world, or the end of OUR world. It's so sad and heartbreaking and there will be a lot of grieving. But I take a look at my sweet little boy who gives me big hug squeezes with enthusiastic pats on the back and think to myself, "We're going to be ok. This is going to be tough for a while. But we are going to be ok."
My answer: I write. I blog, I take photos, I process events and emotions through my writing. So when we received some bad news this morning, I knew eventually I would end up here, at my blog, writing about it. Processing what happened.
I was thrilled to have my first ultrasound of this pregnancy that morning. I couldn't sleep all the night before, wondering if the tech would be able to tell the gender of our little baby. I was so excited to see our little butterball baby squirming around in there.
"Hmm..." said the tech, my first clue something wasn't quite right. "I think I'm going to have to do an internal ultrasound here."
And then, I saw her type something on the screen: "NO HR"
A few moments later, the tech took a deep breath and told me "I'm so sorry honey...the baby has no heartbeat."
Somehow, I knew it was coming. I remember so clearly with Cole's ultrasounds, the rushing heartbeat that made the whole chest of the baby move. I knew it wasn't there with this baby...but hearing the words leave her lips was heartbreaking. Those few seconds that I knew it was coming was not enough time to prepare myself for the enormity of the words I was about to hear.
I wanted to scream and cry and curl up into a little ball on the exam table. But I took a handful of tissues to dry the tears that were already cascading down my cheeks and tried to listen, tried to pay attention.
How do you stay focused when it feels as though your world is falling apart?
She left me alone for a few minutes so I could sob quietly in peace, then she brought in a doctor whose specialty was high-risk birth. She checked the ultrasound as well, just to make sure, but we both knew it was pointless.
I just remember thinking, how is this possible? What did I do wrong? How am I going to tell my husband, Cole, our families? We heard the heartbeat, we waited until second trimester - this wasn't supposed to happen! Who miscarries at 15 weeks pregnant?
Your first trimester of pregnancy, there's always that chance that something will go wrong. There's always that nagging feeling, the hesitation in the back of your mind that things won't go as hoped and planned. But at 15 weeks, we were in the clear. We were making plans and having hopes and dreams for this little baby.
It truly felt like being struck by lightning - so unexpected, so caught off guard.
I feel like a failure. I feel like my body has failed it's most important part - to protect my baby.
How could this happen to me, to us, to our deserving little family who loved this baby SO MUCH?
I kept thinking, this has to be a mistake. I did everything right, I did everything possible to keep my baby healthy.
The worst part? It's not just a simple miscarriage. I have what is called a Partial Molar Pregnancy. I have to go in for a D & C, then have blood tests weekly, bimonthly, and monthly for 6 months to a year to make sure all the tissue is gone and my hcg levels are back down to zero. If the tissue is not all removed, there's a slight chance it can turn into cancer.
Cancer.
The chances of that are incredibly low, of course. And if I did happen to end up with cancer, it's almost 100% treatable with chemotherapy. But because there is that risk, I can't just be done with a miscarriage and move on, trying to conceive again. We have to have regularly scheduled blood tests for so long, and we are possibly not allowed to try for another baby for six months to a year.
It's extra scary and frustrating and sad. I so want to move on and put this behind us, to start healing and thinking and planning - but I feel as though we have an empty spot in our family that we can't fill yet. And it's heartbreaking all over again.
At the same time, a part of me knows it could be so much worse. Our family - Cole, Chris, me - we will be fine. This is not the end of the world, or the end of OUR world. It's so sad and heartbreaking and there will be a lot of grieving. But I take a look at my sweet little boy who gives me big hug squeezes with enthusiastic pats on the back and think to myself, "We're going to be ok. This is going to be tough for a while. But we are going to be ok."
Children's Museum
Seriously, we've been having SO MUCH FUN with our BFF's Declan and Kadance! Last week we visited our local (AMAZING) Children's Museum. It's huge and filled to the brim with super-fun kid activities. I love how open-ended each exhibit is for so much opportunity for creative and imaginative play.
I hate grocery shopping...I think I'll let these boys take care of that from now on!
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Mr. Independent
I think Cole's been a little later than most kids on hitting the "ME DO IT!" stage of life...but it has arrived.
I always thought it would drive me CRAZY...and yes, occasionally it does, when we are in a hurry to get somewhere and oh for goodness' sakes Cole if you would just let ME do it we could leave ten minutes sooner! but mostly it's just awesome. I love watching him be independent and need me less and less. I hadn't realized what a sense of accomplishment it would be for me to watch him learn how to do things on his own. Every day it's a new skill, big or small.
The other day, it was peeling a banana. After some struggle, I gave him a bit of help with the start of peeling (a little cut at the top, because who doesn't need to do that?). But the rest? was all Cole.
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OH YEAH Mama, I got this!
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What an accomplishment. :)
I always thought it would drive me CRAZY...and yes, occasionally it does, when we are in a hurry to get somewhere and oh for goodness' sakes Cole if you would just let ME do it we could leave ten minutes sooner! but mostly it's just awesome. I love watching him be independent and need me less and less. I hadn't realized what a sense of accomplishment it would be for me to watch him learn how to do things on his own. Every day it's a new skill, big or small.
The other day, it was peeling a banana. After some struggle, I gave him a bit of help with the start of peeling (a little cut at the top, because who doesn't need to do that?). But the rest? was all Cole.
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Monday, August 6, 2012
Daddy's Helper
Last week our washing machine went on the fritz. Chris, being the do-it-yourself handy hubby that I love, pulled it out and started fiddling to see if he could fix it.
Of course Cole was DYING to help...boys and tools, you know.
And Chris oh-so-patiently allowed him to use every single tool to "help" him fix it. Cole thoughtfully chose each tool and experimented with various parts of the washer, making professional "HMMM...HMMM"s the whole time.
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ADORABLE.
And how many dads would be so loving and patient, to take twice as long to do something just so his two-year-old can feel important and included? Love it!
Of course Cole was DYING to help...boys and tools, you know.
And Chris oh-so-patiently allowed him to use every single tool to "help" him fix it. Cole thoughtfully chose each tool and experimented with various parts of the washer, making professional "HMMM...HMMM"s the whole time.
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And how many dads would be so loving and patient, to take twice as long to do something just so his two-year-old can feel important and included? Love it!
Sunday, August 5, 2012
On my passionate soapbox
Be warned...This post is slightly controversial and GASP! political.
I thought long and hard about writing this. But ultimately, this is a blog about our family, US - a blog mostly about Cole, of course - but twenty years down the road when he decides to read this blog, I want him to know who his mama was as a person, too, not just as Cole's mom. I want him to know about the things I am passionate about, the things I fight for.
I am pro-same sex marriage.
Obviously, I'm not gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, transgender, etc. I don't have any close family members or friends who are. Truly, I think I've only even met two or three gay people in my life. So while this is not a personal issue for me, it's still an issue I am incredibly passionate about. You didn't have to be African-American in the 1950's to stand up for Civil Rights, right?
There's been a lot hot-button same-sex marriage issues in the news lately. Chick-fil-a, Boy Scouts, JC Penney - all have brought a lot of media attention for their pro- or anti- gay stance.
Truly, it saddens me more than anything.
I consider myself a Christian, a loving and understanding person, and I will ALWAYS support homosexual rights in every way possible. The most common argument I hear against gay rights is using Christianity and the Bible as reasons why it should be illegal.
I have read and studied the Bible passages that declare marriage for one man and one woman...however, there are a lot of Bible passages that are taken out of context, or that are meant to be read in the context of historical rules, not necessarily God's word. What do you say about the Bible verse Leviticus 19:27 "You shall not round off the hair on your temples or mar the edges of your beard." Does that mean we should pass a government law that all men must have beards? (sounds a lot like the Taliban rules) Or the Leviticus 11:8, which instructs all Christians to not eat pork - or, indeed to even touch something of pigskin (such as a football)? Or Leviticus 19:19, which reads: "You are to keep My statutes. You shall not breed together two kinds of your cattle; you shall not sow your field with two kinds of seed, nor wear a garment upon you of two kinds of material mixed together." So if you wear a mixture of spandex and cotton, does that mean you are not deserving of the same rights as everyone else?
How about divorce? The Bible is also astoundingly clear on the subject of divorce, even going so far as to call it adultery if a divorced person remarries. So as a country, should we not allow remarriages for divorced people? If you have a divorce, should it be illegal to adopt a child or make medical decisions for a long-term significant other?
There are hundreds of verses like that in the Bible, hundreds of cultural and religious "laws" that the majority of Americans and Christians do not follow and do not seek to follow because they are not applicable to our modern lives. You can be a good Christian who is following the Lord without following every single "law" in the Bible. To me, homosexuality is one of those outdated cultural laws.
Second, I think one of the most fantastic things about our country is that we are NOT a "Christian" country. We are a country that respects religious freedom. As a kindergarten teacher, every year at Thanksgiving I tell my students about the meaning of the first Thanksgiving and I start out by saying, "A very long time ago, some people called Pilgrims lived in a country called England. And England had a king instead of a president. The king told everyone who lived in his country that they couldn't go to their church, they all had to go to HIS church. They weren't allowed to choose which church they went to. So the Pilgrims got on a ship and sailed to America, where they were allowed to go to any church they wanted."
I truly believe that when we use the phrase "A Christian nation", we are undermining almost everything our forefathers stood for, including the right to free speech and the right to bear arms.
HOW can we ask our government to stay out of our personal lives, and yet allow (and ask) them to dictate who we can marry? To me, this is the same thing as saying single moms shouldn't be allowed to marry and have marital rights, because they had a child out of wedlock. Or that couples who have sex without intending to procreate should not have marital rights, because that is not allowed in the Bible. Or that couples of different religions shall not be married with full marital rights? These situations are all incredibly ridiculous, just as not allowing homesexual marriages is.
Please tell me how allowing homosexuals to have THE EXACT SAME RIGHTS as anyone else will infringe on your rights? It simply means they get to file taxes together. That same gender couples can make medical decisions for each other. That they can provide loving homes for unwanted children who may otherwise end up in overcrowded foster homes. How does that hurt ANYONE?
And what right does the government have to take that away?
Fifty years ago, the government passed laws saying that it was illegal for a black man and white woman (and vice-versa) to marry. Those who believed in that used passages from the Bible to support their beliefs: Genesis 28:1; Leviticus 19:19; Deuteronomy 7:2-3.
A hundred years ago, Christians used Deuteronomy 23:2 (which is very clear) to insist that a child born out of wedlock should not be allowed in a church.
The Bible has, for hundreds of years, been the Book to use for people to back up their beliefs, to advance their agendas. Wars have been fought, millions of innocent people killed in the name of the Bible and God.
Churches are losing 50 thousand members per week, especially among young people. Gay people are completely ostracized. We as Christians are driving people AWAY from God's word when we choose to stand against rights of about 4 percent of the American population.
Isn't it time for us to start, as Christians, showing the world what we are FOR, rather than what we are AGAINST? Isn't it much better to light a fire and bring people to the warmth, than to build a fence to keep people out? Isn't it time to stop alientating any one we judge, and instead simply reach out with the Golden Rule?
All the money, all the time, all the effort that goes into being AGAINST gay marriage - wouldn't all that be better spent toward things that REALLY matter? Homelessness, child abuse, foster care, starving children in Africa. I mean really - what does you being against gay marriage accomplish? Does it make less people gay? Do gay people see a Prop 8 sign or a "Marriage = 1 Man 1 Woman" bumper sticker and say to themselves, "Hey! I better stop being gay! Let me go up to these people to ask them how I should join their church and stop being gay!"
Of course not. It accomplishes nothing other than to draw the line in the sand saying "I AM JUDGING YOU. YOU ARE NOT WORTHY OF THE SAME RIGHTS AS EVERYONE ELSE."
I know I would be angry and hurt at anyone who told me that I couldn't marry my husband. So I choose to "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." The one consistent guideline in 21 different religions.
Here's the biggest argument I hear from people against gay marriage: "Those liberals preach tolerance, but they aren't being tolerant toward my opinion!" Well, yes. The problem is NOT your opinion about gay marriage. The problem is when you use your opinion to try to take away someone else's rights. I hate guns - so guess what? I don't own a gun. I'm not trying to take away your right to own a gun. THERE'S the difference. Don't like gay marriage? Don't get one. Don't try to take it away from others.
It is my hope and my prayer that fifty years from now, when I am rocking my grandchildren on my knee, I will be able to tell them about how same-sex couples couldn't marry and they will be as amazed as I am when my grandparents tell me about the days when interracial marriages were illegal. I hope fifty years from now we all see how bigoted and selfish it is to fight against same-sex marriage.
And I will tell my grandchildren with pride that I fought for equal rights for everyone - I will be the example of who I want them to be.
Please, take a moment to comment. I love respectful discussions and debates. However, I reserve the right to delete negative and disrespectful comments.
* If you have a moment, I strongly urge you to read this blog post, written by a gay man. It is well written and truly inspiring.
I thought long and hard about writing this. But ultimately, this is a blog about our family, US - a blog mostly about Cole, of course - but twenty years down the road when he decides to read this blog, I want him to know who his mama was as a person, too, not just as Cole's mom. I want him to know about the things I am passionate about, the things I fight for.
I am pro-same sex marriage.
Obviously, I'm not gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, transgender, etc. I don't have any close family members or friends who are. Truly, I think I've only even met two or three gay people in my life. So while this is not a personal issue for me, it's still an issue I am incredibly passionate about. You didn't have to be African-American in the 1950's to stand up for Civil Rights, right?
There's been a lot hot-button same-sex marriage issues in the news lately. Chick-fil-a, Boy Scouts, JC Penney - all have brought a lot of media attention for their pro- or anti- gay stance.
Truly, it saddens me more than anything.
I consider myself a Christian, a loving and understanding person, and I will ALWAYS support homosexual rights in every way possible. The most common argument I hear against gay rights is using Christianity and the Bible as reasons why it should be illegal.
I have read and studied the Bible passages that declare marriage for one man and one woman...however, there are a lot of Bible passages that are taken out of context, or that are meant to be read in the context of historical rules, not necessarily God's word. What do you say about the Bible verse Leviticus 19:27 "You shall not round off the hair on your temples or mar the edges of your beard." Does that mean we should pass a government law that all men must have beards? (sounds a lot like the Taliban rules) Or the Leviticus 11:8, which instructs all Christians to not eat pork - or, indeed to even touch something of pigskin (such as a football)? Or Leviticus 19:19, which reads: "You are to keep My statutes. You shall not breed together two kinds of your cattle; you shall not sow your field with two kinds of seed, nor wear a garment upon you of two kinds of material mixed together." So if you wear a mixture of spandex and cotton, does that mean you are not deserving of the same rights as everyone else?
How about divorce? The Bible is also astoundingly clear on the subject of divorce, even going so far as to call it adultery if a divorced person remarries. So as a country, should we not allow remarriages for divorced people? If you have a divorce, should it be illegal to adopt a child or make medical decisions for a long-term significant other?
There are hundreds of verses like that in the Bible, hundreds of cultural and religious "laws" that the majority of Americans and Christians do not follow and do not seek to follow because they are not applicable to our modern lives. You can be a good Christian who is following the Lord without following every single "law" in the Bible. To me, homosexuality is one of those outdated cultural laws.
Second, I think one of the most fantastic things about our country is that we are NOT a "Christian" country. We are a country that respects religious freedom. As a kindergarten teacher, every year at Thanksgiving I tell my students about the meaning of the first Thanksgiving and I start out by saying, "A very long time ago, some people called Pilgrims lived in a country called England. And England had a king instead of a president. The king told everyone who lived in his country that they couldn't go to their church, they all had to go to HIS church. They weren't allowed to choose which church they went to. So the Pilgrims got on a ship and sailed to America, where they were allowed to go to any church they wanted."
I truly believe that when we use the phrase "A Christian nation", we are undermining almost everything our forefathers stood for, including the right to free speech and the right to bear arms.
HOW can we ask our government to stay out of our personal lives, and yet allow (and ask) them to dictate who we can marry? To me, this is the same thing as saying single moms shouldn't be allowed to marry and have marital rights, because they had a child out of wedlock. Or that couples who have sex without intending to procreate should not have marital rights, because that is not allowed in the Bible. Or that couples of different religions shall not be married with full marital rights? These situations are all incredibly ridiculous, just as not allowing homesexual marriages is.
Please tell me how allowing homosexuals to have THE EXACT SAME RIGHTS as anyone else will infringe on your rights? It simply means they get to file taxes together. That same gender couples can make medical decisions for each other. That they can provide loving homes for unwanted children who may otherwise end up in overcrowded foster homes. How does that hurt ANYONE?
And what right does the government have to take that away?
Fifty years ago, the government passed laws saying that it was illegal for a black man and white woman (and vice-versa) to marry. Those who believed in that used passages from the Bible to support their beliefs: Genesis 28:1; Leviticus 19:19; Deuteronomy 7:2-3.
A hundred years ago, Christians used Deuteronomy 23:2 (which is very clear) to insist that a child born out of wedlock should not be allowed in a church.
The Bible has, for hundreds of years, been the Book to use for people to back up their beliefs, to advance their agendas. Wars have been fought, millions of innocent people killed in the name of the Bible and God.
Churches are losing 50 thousand members per week, especially among young people. Gay people are completely ostracized. We as Christians are driving people AWAY from God's word when we choose to stand against rights of about 4 percent of the American population.
Isn't it time for us to start, as Christians, showing the world what we are FOR, rather than what we are AGAINST? Isn't it much better to light a fire and bring people to the warmth, than to build a fence to keep people out? Isn't it time to stop alientating any one we judge, and instead simply reach out with the Golden Rule?
All the money, all the time, all the effort that goes into being AGAINST gay marriage - wouldn't all that be better spent toward things that REALLY matter? Homelessness, child abuse, foster care, starving children in Africa. I mean really - what does you being against gay marriage accomplish? Does it make less people gay? Do gay people see a Prop 8 sign or a "Marriage = 1 Man 1 Woman" bumper sticker and say to themselves, "Hey! I better stop being gay! Let me go up to these people to ask them how I should join their church and stop being gay!"
Of course not. It accomplishes nothing other than to draw the line in the sand saying "I AM JUDGING YOU. YOU ARE NOT WORTHY OF THE SAME RIGHTS AS EVERYONE ELSE."
I know I would be angry and hurt at anyone who told me that I couldn't marry my husband. So I choose to "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." The one consistent guideline in 21 different religions.
Here's the biggest argument I hear from people against gay marriage: "Those liberals preach tolerance, but they aren't being tolerant toward my opinion!" Well, yes. The problem is NOT your opinion about gay marriage. The problem is when you use your opinion to try to take away someone else's rights. I hate guns - so guess what? I don't own a gun. I'm not trying to take away your right to own a gun. THERE'S the difference. Don't like gay marriage? Don't get one. Don't try to take it away from others.
It is my hope and my prayer that fifty years from now, when I am rocking my grandchildren on my knee, I will be able to tell them about how same-sex couples couldn't marry and they will be as amazed as I am when my grandparents tell me about the days when interracial marriages were illegal. I hope fifty years from now we all see how bigoted and selfish it is to fight against same-sex marriage.
And I will tell my grandchildren with pride that I fought for equal rights for everyone - I will be the example of who I want them to be.
Please, take a moment to comment. I love respectful discussions and debates. However, I reserve the right to delete negative and disrespectful comments.
* If you have a moment, I strongly urge you to read this blog post, written by a gay man. It is well written and truly inspiring.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
My Sweet Boy
Whew. This is the start of my second trimester - and hopefully the end of this horrible morning (all day) sickness I've had during this pregnancy so far. I'm not gonna lie - it's been rough. Throwing up 6-8 times a day. Constant nausea that's so bad I can't even look at pictures of food, let alone eat anything. Bleh.
But the good news? (Other than growing a healthy little baby, of course!) It's been awesome to see Cole in a new position of being more of a helper. If I let him know that I have to go throw up, he runs with me into the bathroom, lifts up the toilet seat, and stands aside while I puke. He pats my back and says, "MAMA? MAMA? HI! HI!" He rips off pieces of toilet paper for me and helps me blow my nose and wipe my mouth. And when I'm all done, he flushes the toilet and hands me the bottle of mouthwash.
Seriously, what an amazing little boy I have. No one taught him to do what he does when I'm not feeling well. He's never watched anyone do it. Some sweet, wonderful instinct in him naturally knows just what to do.
And when I feel so miserable and so sick, it sure makes me feel better to know that my little guy is so awesome.
But the good news? (Other than growing a healthy little baby, of course!) It's been awesome to see Cole in a new position of being more of a helper. If I let him know that I have to go throw up, he runs with me into the bathroom, lifts up the toilet seat, and stands aside while I puke. He pats my back and says, "MAMA? MAMA? HI! HI!" He rips off pieces of toilet paper for me and helps me blow my nose and wipe my mouth. And when I'm all done, he flushes the toilet and hands me the bottle of mouthwash.
Seriously, what an amazing little boy I have. No one taught him to do what he does when I'm not feeling well. He's never watched anyone do it. Some sweet, wonderful instinct in him naturally knows just what to do.
And when I feel so miserable and so sick, it sure makes me feel better to know that my little guy is so awesome.
Friday, August 3, 2012
Splash Park Playdate
Cole LOVES the splash park - but it was even MORE fun last week when his BFF Declan ("DEC-DEC") came along:
It's so great to have such great friends who live so close!
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Boating
Last weekend, we beat the heat by heading out on the boat. Lake of the Woods is one of our favorite lakes and the day couldn't have had more perfect weather.
Loving the "SCHPLASH!"
Papa even let Cole drive the boat! He was thrilled beyond belief!
Holding Papa's hand:
Just chillin' with my apple:
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