Missing Cole

I like to think I was super prepared for this transition to having two kids.  After all, we've been trying/planning/hoping for a second child since February of 2012.

But one thing I was not prepared for was how much I would miss my oldest child.

Don't get me wrong, I love Chase with all my heart, of course.  He's adorable and sweet and a wonderful little baby.  But Cole has been my little buddy for so many years, my only child, and my sole focus of attention - it has been a little hard for me to accept that I simply cannot do everything for him AND Chase that I would like to do.

I've had to surrender some parental duties to Chris - nighttime baths, most of our nighttime routine.  Lots of playtime is now spent with me nursing Chase while Chris plays with Cole.  Family dinners have turned into Chris and Cole eating while I nurse Chase or bounce him around the room.

I miss it.  I miss him.  I miss being able to give him my undivided, uninterrupted, full attention whenever he wants it.  I miss snuggles when he's the only one in my lap.  I miss being able to read a story without being interrupted by a crying baby. 

At the same time, I realize how good it is, how important a life skill Cole is learning.  That Mama has other important things to do and take care of.  That the world does not revolve around him.  And that sometimes, we have to prioritize and choose who needs us more at that minute - and most importantly, that that choice does not equate to who is loved more.

I hope every single day that Cole knows that even if I'm not the same presence in his little life that I was before Chase came along, that I still love him just as much.