The hard and the not-so-hard

"How are you doing since your miscarriage?"

It's a question I get asked a lot - not in a bad way, I love feeling people's thoughts and concern.  I feel as though things can generally be categorized into two categories: the hard and the not-so-hard.

The hard:

   Undoubtedly, the most difficult part has been being in situations where I pictured myself pregnant...and yet when I get there, I'm not.  My sister's baby shower?  I was supposed to be pregnant, too.  My cousin's wedding?  Totally pictured myself as pregnant during that trip.  I have a feeling this will keep popping up for quite some time (the holidays especially).

   It's also been hard when a thought slips unbidden into my head and it takes me a moment to remember that I'm not pregnant.  So many times a day I'll have thoughts like, "I'm so glad Cole is potty trained now, it will be so much easier when the baby comes"; "Cole is really going to be an amazing big brother, I can't wait to see how he will handle having a new baby around"; "I better check out that book about childbirth before the baby comes".
   I'm not sure how long it will be before I have to catch myself in the middle of these thoughts to remember I'm not pregnant...but every time I do this, I feel just a little catch in my heart.

   Lastly, the blood tests, taking birth control, my prenatal vitamin.  I'm STILL having to go in for weekly blood tests (my levels haven't dropped low enough yet); taking my daily stupid birth control pill; and I still can't manage to take my prenatal vitamin (to get prepared for when we DO get start trying again).  The daily little reminders of our loss are hard - I try not to think about them too much, but it's a few seconds every day (or a few minutes once a week) that I can't avoid thinking about the miscarriage and everything we loss.


The not-so-hard:

     Many friends who also suffered miscarriages warned me that it might be difficult to be around other pregnant ladies or new babies.  One close friend confessed to me that she found it so painful, she even avoided some pregnant friends for a time after her miscarriage.  Fortunatly, this has fallen under the not-so-hard category for me (good thing, since I have MANY friends who are knocked up right now). 

     I'm not saying I don't feel a little sad that they are pregnant and I'm not; but I'm able to take complete joy and happiness in their happiness.

     Overall, I feel like I'm generally a pretty optimistic, happy, and resilient- and this has been no exception.  Of course, there are some bad days and lots of rough moments - but generally, I feel like I haven't allowed this experience to negatively shape me or bring me down too low.  I know a lot of that has to do with supportive and loving family and friends and Cole keeping me busy, but I'd like to think a little of it has to do with me keeping perspective about how much worse things could be in our life and being grateful for what we have.

I think that's the key to getting through any hard time - make up your mind to not wallow in your grief; think about those who have fewer blessings than you do; and focus on what you DO have, not what you loss.

taxi

-source unknown

Train Park

Last year around this time, we took Cole to our local railroad park - in keeping with our new tradition, we did so again this year!

One of my favorite parts of our yearly traditions is checking out each years' photos, so I can see how much Cole has grown and changed!

 Riding on the trains!  Last year, Cole was excited...but this year, he was THRILLED! 

 "CHOO CHOO!"

 Checking out the inside of a real train:

 Can you spy Cole?

 Another highlight? Ringing the bell - so loud and so fun for a two year old!

 Chris and I were a little surprised that Cole loved the mini trains so much.  He would run around and around chasing them - we couldn't tear him away!

 "BABY TRWAINS!"

Wonder how much he'll have grown NEXT year when we go!

Personality Switching

Parenting a toddler is a study in opposites.

Or perhaps more patience.  Yep, definitely patience more than anything else.

See, Cole seems to occasionally have these random personality switches.

One moment, he'll be demanding me to leave him alone, asserting his independence...and the next, he's as helpless as a baby. 

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I present Exhibit One:

1. We are making Cole's instant oatmeal together - it's time to open the oatmeal packet:

-"COLE! COLE TURN!" while pointing emphatically at himself. 
-"Ok, let me get it started for you."
-"NO MAMA! COLE!"
-"Ok, give it a try."
       ...
"MAMA HEYP! HEYP PEESE!" (Help please)

Yuh-huh.  I thought so.

Exhibit Two:

2. 
-"Cole, I need to go upstairs for a moment and grab something...want to come too?"
-"NO MAMA. I STAY. STAY."
-"That's fine.  But I'm only grabbing my cell phone, ok?  I'll be back in a moment, so no tears, right?"
-"YEAH!"
... Halfway up the stairs, I hear him hysterically sobbing "MAAA-MAAA!!! MAAAA-MAA!" like I'm leaving him forever instead of simply running up the stairs for less than a minute to grab my cell phone.  I return to see his face streaked with tears as he runs to hug me like "THANKS FOR COMING BACK FROM YOUR LONG TRIP WHERE I THOUGHT WERE ABANDONING ME FOREVER AND THOUGHT I'D NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN IN MY LIFE, MAMA!"

sigh.

Exhibit 3:

3.
   We're in bathroom, where I'm helping Cole undressed and on the potty.
-"PIE-SEE PEESE!" (privacy please) he tells me.  "YEAVE MAMA!" (leave)
- "Okey dokey kiddo.  I'll be right in the other room."
...the instant my foot steps outside the bathroom door:
-"MAMA! MAMA! BACK!  MAAA-MAA!"

::face palm::

So we alternate between this:

 and this:

Someone please tell me these personality switches even out later on down the road?

Splash Park - Last Time

A few weeks ago, my friend Crystal and her little girl Marcail (who was born only like three weeks before Cole) came over from Klamath for the afternoon for a playdate.  Not only was it amazing and SO much fun for both Cole and me (shy people like us greatly admire outgoing, confident, and friendly people like Crystal and Marcail), it was also hysterical watching our kiddos play together.  It's not every day I come in contact with a fellow mama who has so many parenting ideals in common with me!

Since it is STILL ridiculously hot here (hello? what happened to the little season called AUTUMN?), we thought we'd take the kids to the splash park, where Crystal captured some gorgeous shots of them running around:

 Um yes.  HOW cute are those matching swimsuits? Totally not on purpose, we both just have really awesome taste.

 Isn't she a little beauty?

 Holding hands = heart melting from the adorableness:

 Planning their next move:

I know.  You are melting into a puddle on the floor from all the adorableness.  Don't blame me, blame Crystal for all these amazing photos.  If you'd like to see more of her gorgeous photography, go to Facebook and 'Like" her Imaginography Studios page.

5 Things I Never Thought I'd Say - Potty Edition

1.  Please keep your hands outside the potty when you're peeing.  You don't want to get pee on your hands, yuck.

2.  Let's not lick the toilet seat.

3. Toilet water is not for playing in.

4. When you put your face in the toilet bowl while it's flushing, you might get spray on your face.  Keep your head out of the bowl, ok?

5. Undies don't go in the toilet, pee and poo are the only things that go in the toilet.

Pumpkin Patch!

Last weekend, we got into the fall spirit with a trip to a local pumpkin patch!  Ok, I say pumpkin patch...but this was so much more than just pumpkins!  We had a blast - and Sean, Kadance, and Declan came too!

 Declan liked the scarecrows :)

 They even had some farm animals to visit:

 My little farmer boy:

 In the corn maze:

 "I want THIS one!"

 on the "HAY-WIDE!" as Cole called it:

 "WHOA!!"

 "DOO-BIGH!!" (too big):

 But THIS one is just right!

 The most exciting part for us?  Cole actually RODE A PONY!!  We've tried three or four times - he would never even TOUCH them, let alone ride one!  But this time, Cole got right on and rode beaming around - we were so proud of him!

We had the BEST time - having kiddos makes holidays even more fun!