Friday, October 19, 2012

The hard and the not-so-hard

"How are you doing since your miscarriage?"

It's a question I get asked a lot - not in a bad way, I love feeling people's thoughts and concern.  I feel as though things can generally be categorized into two categories: the hard and the not-so-hard.

The hard:

   Undoubtedly, the most difficult part has been being in situations where I pictured myself pregnant...and yet when I get there, I'm not.  My sister's baby shower?  I was supposed to be pregnant, too.  My cousin's wedding?  Totally pictured myself as pregnant during that trip.  I have a feeling this will keep popping up for quite some time (the holidays especially).

   It's also been hard when a thought slips unbidden into my head and it takes me a moment to remember that I'm not pregnant.  So many times a day I'll have thoughts like, "I'm so glad Cole is potty trained now, it will be so much easier when the baby comes"; "Cole is really going to be an amazing big brother, I can't wait to see how he will handle having a new baby around"; "I better check out that book about childbirth before the baby comes".
   I'm not sure how long it will be before I have to catch myself in the middle of these thoughts to remember I'm not pregnant...but every time I do this, I feel just a little catch in my heart.

   Lastly, the blood tests, taking birth control, my prenatal vitamin.  I'm STILL having to go in for weekly blood tests (my levels haven't dropped low enough yet); taking my daily stupid birth control pill; and I still can't manage to take my prenatal vitamin (to get prepared for when we DO get start trying again).  The daily little reminders of our loss are hard - I try not to think about them too much, but it's a few seconds every day (or a few minutes once a week) that I can't avoid thinking about the miscarriage and everything we loss.

The not-so-hard:

     Many friends who also suffered miscarriages warned me that it might be difficult to be around other pregnant ladies or new babies.  One close friend confessed to me that she found it so painful, she even avoided some pregnant friends for a time after her miscarriage.  Fortunatly, this has fallen under the not-so-hard category for me (good thing, since I have MANY friends who are knocked up right now). 

     I'm not saying I don't feel a little sad that they are pregnant and I'm not; but I'm able to take complete joy and happiness in their happiness.

     Overall, I feel like I'm generally a pretty optimistic, happy, and resilient- and this has been no exception.  Of course, there are some bad days and lots of rough moments - but generally, I feel like I haven't allowed this experience to negatively shape me or bring me down too low.  I know a lot of that has to do with supportive and loving family and friends and Cole keeping me busy, but I'd like to think a little of it has to do with me keeping perspective about how much worse things could be in our life and being grateful for what we have.

I think that's the key to getting through any hard time - make up your mind to not wallow in your grief; think about those who have fewer blessings than you do; and focus on what you DO have, not what you loss.

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