19 months...plus a week

Oh little mister.


What a month it has been.


Which is part of the reason why I'm writing your 19 month update a week late.  oops. 


This month, to me, has seemed a bit like a roller coaster.  Really high highs and really low lows. 


You see, I, most unfortunately, am a perfectionist.  I want things done right, all the time, the first time.  And I am discovering that parenting is not a perfectionist type of situation.  I find myself second-guessing what I'm doing while raising you during the difficult periods.


And, my darling son, we've had a few of those difficult periods this month. 


I know, it's nothing new.  It's because you are growing and developing and flexing your independence muscles.


But could you please, pretty please, try to flex them in a way that does NOT involve screaming biting kicking tantrums?


We've had some tantrums.  Some pretty epic ones (you even demonstrated one for Grammy on the way home from the park.  I'm sure she'll never forget it - you screamed almost the whole walk home.).  You especially like to start them in public, which is SUPER embarassing. 


The worst part?  I just have no idea what to DO when you are standing there having a screaming biting kicking tantrum.  I've done all the research, but everything I've tried doesn't seem to work.  Is this a situation in which I just need to give each one more time to do the job?


I so want to be understanding, my darling boy.  I know you have all these huge grown-up emotions filling you up all at once and you're just not quite sure the appropriate way to handle it all.  And I'm trying to help without making you feel ashamed of yourself.  But when you get into that furious tantrum-y funk, nothing I do seems to make it through your black wall of anger and frustration.


I'm a little at my wit's end.


But the good news?  It will get better.  I know it will.  We'll figure it out together, just like we always do.  Sorry, buddy, that you being first born makes you my default "practice baby".  I guess it comes with the territory.  I'll be sure to screw some things up with any younger siblings that come along, just so they don't feel shafted.


And the more good news?  Even with the tantrums and frustration, you are the most fun ever!  Your daddy confessed to me this month how much fun he is having with you, and how much he enjoys playing with you now that you are getting to be so much older.  You are sweet and loving and kind when you're not frustrated, and I'm pretty sure you have better table manners than most adults (using your silverware correctly, wiping your mouth with your napkin...I DIE from the cuteness!).


You still adore your candles.  Today in the store we passed a candle aisle, and you sniffed loudly (your sign for candle), so we wheeled the cart over there and you picked out a candle and proceeded to sniff and beam proudly at everyone for the rest of the trip.  adorable.  You are becoming a bit bossy and very particular about certain things.  Sometimes you want me to sit on the floor right ::here:: (and you will point your finger right where you want me to plop down) or put the block ::here:: and if I dare set it down an inch to the side you screech at me and point harder.  Little dictator.  You insist I hold your sippy cup at all times and heaven save my hearing if I need to set it on the counter.


You are also incredibly snuggly.  I seriously thought my snuggly baby days were numbered when you started walking, but they have come back and then some.  You tuck your hands under your tummy and lean your head against my chest or shoulder...and I feel like I can never get enough.  I know soon there will be a day you won't want to snuggle, so I'm soaking up every minute I can. 

My darling boy, even with the tiny rough patches here and there, there's no way I could possibly imagine our life without you in it.  Even on those days when you have tantrum after tantrum, I want you to know that your daddy and I love you more than anything, no matter what. 

Love, Mama