Whew.
It's been a rough couple of days.
We are feeling better, though, after meeting with our doctor and getting some questions answered. The surgery was a little stressful and frightening, but everyone we came in contact with was so kind and thoughtful it made it easier.
Having so many loving, understanding, and thoughtful messages, texts, and calls from loved ones made it easier too.
Recovery so far has been uncomfortable but not too painful, much faster than recovery after childbirth.
Mentally and emotionally, however, it will be a longer road.
It's so strange this feeling of missing so painfully and so dearly this tiny little soul we never even met. I think about my love I have for Chris, for our family and friends - and the love I have for them all is for a REASON - a personality trait, a shared history, the bond of family.
But this mama-love I have for this baby wasn't based on anything other than how much I loved him/her for simply BEING, existing, being a part of Chris and me. It was a love born of how much joy and happiness he or she would have brought us in the future (like Big Bro Cole has already done).
It's an alien feeling for me, this emotion of incredible LOSS for a stranger. I guess more proof that no one can ever love more deeply and truly than a mama.
And even with all this sadness and pain, I wouldn't want it any other way.
Mandy, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your precious baby. We lost our first daughter, Ellis Jane, at 24 weeks. A lot of the feelings and confusion you are expressing is so familiar.
ReplyDeleteYou are completely right when you say that you will grieve this loss terribly, but that you will also come through it together as a family. This loss will always be with you, but you will continue to have so much love and light and laughter too.
I'll be thinking of your and your family!
The need to remember and memorialize Ellis is still with me too. I've done little things like wearing a special necklace with her name on it. We've participated in the March for Babies in her name a few times. We've connected with other people who have experienced loss and they had really great ideas....everything from a butterfly garden to making hospital care packages.